Commemorating the tragedy that started on January 1st, 2023, and 2 weeks later.
On love.
God, At the end of 2022, I was hoping that 2023 will be good, but you gave me such a terrible heartbreak in early 2023. Thank you, lesson learned.
I thank you God for giving me such a pure heart of human to my life. Regardless of my ego and selfishness, I should admit that he's the right decision to make but ended up with me being a mess.
So there you go, a long love letter from a feeling that I cannot express directly to him. Stupid me, God, I hope he knew what I feel towards him purely, without the ego and the fear.
Since the day we broke up, I cannot stop thinking, why is it going south? what's gone wrong? I think I'm gonna be okay, but I've never felt such a terrible loss like this cause deep inside...I know that this is something that is fixable but I'm afraid to be a supernumerary person (again).
I remember the moment when we were having a talk in front of Posbloc. He was in tears just remembering the day when he struggled with his own feeling. Then I remember, I made a promise to myself that I'd never let him feel the same way but we pretty much broke them all.
I used to think...or maybe we just used to be trapped in a toxic relationship where the emotional attachment is the root of everything, then questioning the healthy relationship we had. Does it work? Deep inside I knew that it is work, even tho the progress is slow but would it be better to grow in slow progress rather than rushing things? I tried to ask people's opinions but was never satisfied with the answer, cause I knew we are different from others. We are not doing the relationship they had. We make it our way, yet it still failed eventually.
Do you know how sad it is when he thought that he is useless to me or that he doesn't meet my expectation? I wanna say out loud that no, you're more than enough. but the ego, yes the ego. I hate my ego so I cannot express my feeling freely to him.
Until the moment when mom argued, "why is it so easy for you both to give up on each other? If you have a feeling that you don't wanna lose each other, that's also the form of love." but the fact is, I don't know his feeling toward me. At all. So, what should I do if he doesn't want me to be his lifetime partner?
Then she asked another question, "You never communicate your feeling to him, don't you? How could he know your feeling? Stop lying to yourself." I nodded and found myself in a labyrinth of mine.
Maybe Passenger was right all along, that "only know you love her when you let her go" was a sum up to my heartbroken soul. I'm sorry for everything.
"But he said he doesn't know his feeling toward me after a year. Does it make sense? Like no feeling at all? when I can say the last two months were wonderful for me and I think we made progress? and he said it's just him...adapting to the situation. It hurts me. Like a lot." Mom is having no words afterward.
God, but one thing that I know for sure is...I love him. It's not a confusing feeling but I truly love him for the good and the bad.
Because I found myself missing him. I miss sleeping next to him or being his number 1 supporter in another run race, I miss the moment when we could watch an hour youtube video on someone walking in Edinburgh while imagining that could be us. Strolling around the UK. The dream that I used to have. I miss stroking his hair with my finger or hugging him so tight so he never felt alone. Or when we had our first anniversary. I hope it will be the first, turns out it is also the last.
The moment when I thought I'm already comfortable expressing everything and ready to share my vulnerabilities with him, he said those words. That he doesn't know his feeling toward me. Now I knew, he never felt the same way as I did.
Then, I realize, maybe I'm not the one that he was looking for and he deserves the love that he wants. Like what he did to me at the end of our relationship. That's why I try my best to let him go regardless of the love that I feel.
God, would you mind delivering the message someday that I would like to say thank you to him? Thank you, for being so pure. Thank you for the memories that we've made. Last year is amazing for me and I'm glad that there was him beside me. Being with him is one of the luckiest things that I've ever received.
And please tell him this...
Through this letter, I also want to say sorry, for not being enough for you. I don't wanna give up on us. I really wanna make this thing works. Cause deep inside I know, you're still the one that I can count on, but I don't wanna see you questioning yourself whether I am the right person for you or not while I already have the answer. I don't wanna see you being unsure of what we had. I know that I might not the person for you, and that's okay. I tried to understand. Moreover, I don't wanna fight for this alone cause in terms of the relationship can work, it needs two to tango.
Subsequently, there are nights when my mind feels full and my heart feels weak. There are nights when I collapse into myself as the memories of what weighed heavily on my shoulders. There are moments under the moon, in the darkness when I struggle to find the power to forget about you. This is the price I should pay, so please be happy wherever you are and find love to the fullest. I promise to conquer mine.
I love you.
With love,
L.
On family.
Right after I broke up, I came home just to find my parents had struggled. The day when I came home, Dad was diagnosed to have his second stroke symptoms and needed to be hospitalized cause the doctor said, "it can worsen and we have to check him up regularly for the next 5 days."
God, really? You gave me heartbreak, right when I needed someone to rely on? At least somebody to talk to? Again? Kinda reminiscing on what happened in 2020.
Sis will go to Bali, Lil bro will continue his study in Malang. So, God please, please give me someone who can accompany me for the good and the worse, will You? like Keane said, I'm getting older and I need something to rely on.
I decided to isolate myself from the outsider. I deactivated my Instagram cause it distracts me, and contemplates.
My head feels like a bank of questions. I don't know what to choose and seems like I cannot be seen as somebody who is not having a good state of mind. Again. I have to pretend that everything is fine. At least for the sake of my family.
I saw my mom struggle right after Dad has fully retired. She takes care of him genuinely, and with patience. She's not even thinking about herself. It's not easy for me to handle the tantrum of my Dad, or see my mom taking care of him. Now I got it when she said, "why is it so easy for both of you to give up?" I do realize that being in a marriage, it's not just about love or being loved. It's about patience, communication, and compromise. We're all gonna married the wrong person anyway, so choose the wrong person wisely.
I'm also questioning, how can a person can feel madly in love today, and nothing tomorrow. Doesn't love should be sustained?
But nothing was sustained. Not even love. It is the consistency from both parties that makes it works.
Anyway, Dad is barely walking. He drowns in anger and sometimes easily forgets some moments. Such as he forgets that I came home, a few minutes after I talked to him. That made me in a chaotic state of mind. After all, that I've been through, I'm still his daughter anyway. God, please give me strength for this one. I always thought after what my Dad did, my mom is always the one who stood right beside him no matter how hard it is. Her ability to control emotion is unbelievable. I've never seen her cry. Never. I learned a lot from her. Well I know she might cry sometimes but never show it to us. Now it embarrassed me that I act like a 15th y.o teenager who has fallen out of love.
What makes me strong enough to deal with this is her. She is something. A remarkable creature that You-God has created on earth. Thank God for the powerful thoughts and patience that you have given to my mom. She has always been the glue of the family.
I hope Dad will be better soon.
And God, I wish my mom keeps healthy and happy. I want every step of my life to be always with you. When I graduate with my master's degree, get married to the man that I choose to be my husband, and play along with your grandchildren.
It was supposed to be a long letter for mom, but I can not continue. It's too emotional for me to handle.
I love you both always.
With Love,
L.
On Marriage and Dreams
to be continued.
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