a Supernumerary Person

Ramadhan started feel different to me since 2 years ago. 

While for the muslim it should be a holy month of worship, but for me....it reminiscing the trauma. Unfortunately, I think this is the second time where I found myself burned out and stumbled upon the memories. No matter how I've tried to forget or let everything go, it was there. It was always there. It has a soft spot on my mind that always distract me on whatever I did in my life since that day. 

I never realize how deep it is until I know how far it changed me. It all started several days ago, the trigger is yesterday, and today I think I can forget it for awhile but apparently, I cannot. I dont know whether this is just me being so dramatic because of the hormonal change during PMS or I exactly need a professional help. At least, I know what to do cause its hamper my productivity.

I always be the person who buried all of the emotions. Anger, Dissapointment, Sad, Happy. Till yesterday, I think it almost blown up. It's a ticking bomb waiting to explode. My head is like a bank of questions.  

It also affected the way I think and make the decision. I'm so uncertain and questioning every single thing in my life rather than enjoying everything. The fear to be just a supernumerary person for everyone. The second choice of everything.

"Do I deserve to be loved?" 

"Am I worth it?"

"Am I enough?"

"Why people left?"

"Can I fully trust these persons?" 

 Well, to be honest this is a very plausible reason why I'm so ready to lose everyone rather than make them stay and why I built the boundaries so high on top of everything. In the end people are gonna leave me and make me feel nothing.

Lately, I just aware on how deep it is rooting on me. 

I feel so lost, trembling, afraid in the long lost hallway that I dont know where it goes.