Judul ini udah gue posting dari tahun lalu. Pas banget last December 2019. tapi tepat di saat gue nemu judul yang bagus, gue kehilangan mood untuk nulis.
Waktu gue liat judul ini lagi di draft blog dan mengingat apa yang terjadi selama dua tahun ke belakang, spesifiknya di 2020, gue merasa sangat perlu untuk nulis 'isi' nya. So, there you go!
BELUM ADA PRESTASI DI TAHUN INI, TAPI ANEHNYA GUE LEBIH BANYAK BERSYUKUR
Gue cape menggunakan platform sosial media untuk posting atau lihat hal-hal yang korelasinya tentang "kesuksesan" dengan standar yang bias. Selain itu, gue merasa cape untuk sibuk cari validasi sosial. Jadi hari ini, gue memutuskan untuk cerita soal gagal, realita kalo I'm just an imperfect human being. Like all of us.
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I didn't met my benchmark this year.
Jujur gue nggak tau apakah gue harus ikutan menyalahkan COVID-19 atau mungkin emang usaha gue aja yang belom maksimal tapi satu hal yang gue tau, gue bangga bisa berjuang sejauh ini dan kalo kalian baca ini terus pas banget lagi ngerasa kaya beban masa depan ada di pundak lo, chill, we're on the same chapter but with different books.
2020 ini luar biasa, meskipun luar biasa dengan cara yang paling aneh. Udah sibuk bikin resolusi 2020, eh semuanya harus ketunda karena pandemi. Siapa yang ngira? and fun fact, I was in Wuhan on September 2019. lol
Ditengah keabsurdan yang luar biasa, I learnt a lot. Malah boleh dibilang gue sangat berterima kasih ke Allah soal apa yang terjadi di tahun ini, meskipun awalnya sulit banget buat nerima dan selalu nanya "why me?" but in the end, I got it. You trained me to be a better version of myself.
Di tahun ini gue merasa menemukan diri gue kembali, meskipun dalam prosesnya masih banyak karakter yang harus dibentuk. Gue berani untuk ambil kerjaan di luar bidang gue dan mulai belajar hal baru dari 0, dan gue akhirnya beli piano!!! Hal yang selalu pengen gue beli pake duit sendiri dari SMP, gue mulai untuk belajar mandarin, mulai menata kembali tujuan hidup gue. Gue merasa 2020 ini gue ditarik mundur dan nanya kembali ke diri gue "Hold on, is that what you really want in your life?". Annual reflection kali ini terasa lebih menyenangkan dalam konsep yang paling aneh.
Kenapa? karena ditengah pencapaian yang sebenernya di luar plan, ini tahun dimana gue merasakan banyak kegagalan. dalam hal karir, percintaan, bahkan keluarga.
Impact paling besar yang gue sadari adalah fakta bahwa ternyata childhood trauma gue belum sembuh sepenuhnya dan pemicunya ada di tahun ini. Jadi, hampir sepanjang tahun ini gue berusaha buat survive dan healing yang sedikit banyak sangat berpengaruh dengan Arimbi yang sekarang. Gua jadi lebih sadar, kalau selama ini gue selalu main di zona nyaman. I'm trying to control everything for the sake of protecting myself from getting hurt, but the funny thing in life that I've learned is you get the real pain from someone whom very close to you. People you trust the most.
Gue sempet ada di titik dimana merasa sangat gagal, marah, kecewa, mixed feelings. Gue ada dititik hidup yang gue merasa nggak berguna. Gue ngecewain diri sendiri, banyak orang, di tahap yang gue nggak tau harus percaya sama siapa, tapi gue bangga sama diri sendiri karena gue belajar untuk memaafkan lebih banyak dari biasanya, compromising things tanpa merasa rendah diri, dan belajar untuk saying "No".
Seiring berjalannya waktu, gue pelan-pelan mulai belajar untuk mengerti bahwa selalu ada grey area dalam hidup yang benar atau salahnya jadi bias. So, if I could make conclusion to you from what I've learned in 2020, it will be:
1. Letting people go from your life isn't about whose fault is it. In my case is about giving more space for something new to grow up. We are all deserve to be happy in our way. Therefore, I'd rather see a person happy without me than unhappy dealing with me. At this point, I am glad that we are all in the process of achieving the life that we want.
2. It is easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than it is to hold them to 99% of the time. I don't wanna say "just this once" again. I've got to define myself what I stand for and draw the line in a safe place.
3. I read Nouman Ali Khan's book. Thanks to my friend, this book helped me a lot to understand God's works. I quoted, "There are a lot of things Allah gives us that we absolutely need. We cannot survive without them and yet He provides. So before you and I think about How come he didn't answer my du'a? That is a very offensive question. How in the world do you say that He doesn't listen? Allah responds to every du'a. But then how come he didn't respond in the way I wanted and the way you wanted? That's the real question." So, whatever Allah has given me, is exactly what I needed and I desperately need it.
4. In terms of career, like what Christensen said in his article "How will you measure your life?", that the metric by which God will assess your life isn't dollars but the individual people whose lives you've touched. Don't worry about the level of individual prominence you have achieved; worry about the individuals you have helped become better people.
When you read this, you don't have to cheer me up, cause I love myself more than I've ever did, with all the wounds and bad decisions in the past. lol. I just want you to know that you're not alone and this is a normal process of life. You aren't a failure.
All I want you to do is just hug yourself tighter and say thank you to yourself for fighting this far, cause in the end, it's just you. That's what I'm grateful for about this year. I might not meet my benchmark this year, but I have found myself back, now it is your turn.
With love,
L.
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