All You Need Just A Cup Of Tea

 Dear Karin,  Today is my birthday and I want to dedicate this special post on my 25th birthday to you. I started my 25th birthday this morning with a fulfilled feeling. Thank God for everything God has given to me and all of the love that I receive from my surroundings.  You know, your wishes are what I've been waiting for the most so please don't ever forget my birthday, okay? well even tho I often misremembered your birthday lol  It such a lovely day but my eyes was burst into tears this morning when I read your letter. There's a lot of things that I want to say to you. Like a lot, mungkin nggak cukup untuk ditulis semua disini. You are someone I would never imagine living without. In so many ways, we are closer than sisters, and tighter than the most loyal thieves. No one knows me as much as you do. That’s why I wanted to do this in writing just to remind you how much you mean to me. We might not be together physically every day, but I hope you know I’m always th...

 I've been questioning love lately. It is something that I've never clearly understood on how I feel, how I think, and how other person's feelings and thoughts will be my responsibility and/or affect me in such uncommon ways. Do the butterflies the right symbol to identify love? Or can we say the un-sparks but loyalty and consistency to the commitment are also forms of love? I feel excited when I am in the mood to chase or chased, but when I got one, intimacy was the feeling that I avoided. That's my biggest fear. Being intimate and having a deep emotional attachment to someone are the stupid fears that I need to deal with.  Cause what the point of having a relationship if I am too afraid of two main factors of it? I used to think I'll have a deeply connected relationship in the future, but the fact that I'm afraid to feel connected is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.  I often forget how it feels to miss him so badly, how you just wanna hear his v...

You are not afraid of the dark, you are afraid on what's in it.  You are not afraid of heights, you are afraid of failing.  You are not afraid of the people around you, you are afraid of what they might think .  You are not afraid to love, you are afraid of love not coming back.  You are not afraid to try again, you are afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.  

Woof! It's hard to believe that I wrote this blog from Yogyakarta! Yeah, I kinda make an epic comeback......well that's too much. To be frank, life is too fucked up these days and I think I just need a short getaway. So, here I am! Strolling around Jogja without exact plan. Booked the tickets on D-2, solo traveling.  Super impulsive yet so happy at the same time.  Well, we're almost arrived at the end of the year. It's super crazy while I feel my mental state is still in the 2019.  "What a life!" I said it almost every single day throughout the year. I left my emotion on 2019 and can't remember where I put it now.  Why it doesn't feel like I'm achieving something.  The best lessons that I could take this year is super basic but turns out that's a good sign. But today, I don't wanna write something sad or anything that brings negative vibes within me.  I just wanna write something mindful. Kalo kata Isyana, "Biarkan kegelapanmu menemuka...

Ramadhan started feel different to me since 2 years ago.  While for the muslim it should be a holy month of worship, but for me....it reminiscing the trauma. Unfortunately, I think this is the second time where I found myself burned out and stumbled upon the memories. No matter how I've tried to forget or let everything go, it was there. It was always there. It has a soft spot on my mind that always distract me on whatever I did in my life since that day.  I never realize how deep it is until I know how far it changed me. It all started several days ago, the trigger is yesterday, and today I think I can forget it for awhile but apparently, I cannot. I dont know whether this is just me being so dramatic because of the hormonal change during PMS or I exactly need a professional help. At least, I know what to do cause its hamper my productivity. I always be the person who buried all of the emotions. Anger, Dissapointment, Sad, Happy. Till yesterday, I think it almost blown up. It...