What is Love?

 I've been questioning love lately.

It is something that I've never clearly understood on how I feel, how I think, and how other person's feelings and thoughts will be my responsibility and/or affect me in such uncommon ways.

Do the butterflies the right symbol to identify love? Or can we say the un-sparks but loyalty and consistency to the commitment are also forms of love?

I feel excited when I am in the mood to chase or chased, but when I got one, intimacy was the feeling that I avoided. That's my biggest fear. Being intimate and having a deep emotional attachment to someone are the stupid fears that I need to deal with. 

Cause what the point of having a relationship if I am too afraid of two main factors of it?

I used to think I'll have a deeply connected relationship in the future, but the fact that I'm afraid to feel connected is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. 

I often forget how it feels to miss him so badly, how you just wanna hear his voice and then be ready to face the world the next day, how the similarity of the scent of his body could remind you of him or how I miss being hugged when days fall down, and everything goes brighter eventually.

That kind of little but a cute thing. I definitely lack of emotion. 

I've been questioning why. Why do I have this uncommon feeling? Is it because I passed a terrible heartbreak and an unconditional family situation that broke my trust? So then I tend to think that romanticism of love is temporary, and the reality is a bitter pill to swallow.

Furthermore, I asked myself, what makes me think that I need a partner in my life while, in reality, I think I can say I'm independent enough? Or what do I expect my partner will do to make my life feel fulfilled by his presence?

I definitely don't wanna be too codependent. That's my past mistake, but deep inside, I wanna feel understood. For the first time, I want somebody to understand me in a way no one does. Cause life is too complicated to pass it alone, I feel I need an equal partner in sharing perspectives and thoughts. 

BUTTT, to that, we have to share each other vulnerabilities. Something that I was keeping for myself for years. Well, talking about my vulnerabilities is literally out of my comfort zone. The last time I did it, people used it for their own advantages, or they just didn't care....which is hurting myself. The fact that people don't really care about you in a way you care about them.

So, to keep myself from the unimportant feeling of being hurt, I used to keep my vulnerabilities and stories to myself or people who knew me for a long time.

And just because I do not have any expectations from my partner (to avoid problems), I'm no longer excited about my feeling.

Deep inside, I miss being in the excitement of falling in love, but I'm afraid to get hurt or vice versa.