A slave of my ego

Will this be a motivational post that I've ever written? No. I hate motivation. 

Why society really needs motivation to swing between chapter to chapter of life? can we just....leave a blank space for some pages? The world is broken anyway. 

Hang on, folks! 

Oh, seems like it's really good to be back. I've been so trapped between my draft on chillean paradox which I planned to publish this weekend on my medium and last but not least....my personal statement. So, here I am. Waking up at 4 a.m, eating my mars which I bought last January on my Singapore trip, and Moving to my blog. Writting. 

Something that excites me somehow. 

No. This post will no have a clear plot like usual. I just wanna write everything on my mind, what keeps me up lately, in this blog. But hey! this is the part of the art, isn't it? Sometimes I love abstract and impulsive things. Tend to be there, no meaning. Why everything should have a mean? Do bugs also have an important task in this life? 

Carpe diem. 

Everytime I am looking for an answer about life...everytime both from a religious perspective, roman philoshoper, everything, they always said to be mindful and seizing the day in a best way. but fck it. 

I wanna keep some of my darkness in me. I won't heal properly. I need to keep some rage inside me, let it burn whenever I need it. Let that be my husks and coals. We need it sometimes in the right moment, don't we? 

I'm miserable, but do people really know and understand? I bet no. but I did. Why I always do that thing? being sincere to everyone. I dunno. 

I always try my best to understand people in the way other people might not, but lately, they are too demanding and I hate it. I hate it in the way that I couldn't  describe the feeling in details. 

There are times, when they said that they feel dissapointed when I'm not around even when the times they need me the most. 

Hey, I'm the mastermind of my own life. I do whatever I want to even if that means I need to bury my self with books, music, whatever all day long.  Don't dictate me. I also have my own problems, dont people notice that? 

I never demand, but did you ever ask if I'm okay? are you there when I need you the most? This is only works with two direction. 

I'm no longer the same person anymore who have freetime to babied you. 

There I entered the section of my life,

when people wanna keep me but never think that they should have something for me too. 

again, it needs two to tango, or I don't wanna be there anymore. 

You give me something, I give you more. That is all. I am tired to become the one who always sacrificing everything. I want people also be there for me too, understand me, learn why I am behaving this way, is it really hard to understand?

So in this chapter of my life, I try my best to be sufficient selfish. If those people don't wanna make effort, I won't. and don't expect me to be. 

Cause in the end I will always have me, and people who love and care with me sincerely. 

Growing up turns out not about the idealism, world, state, and system anymore. It's about you. Whinning about you. Always you. and the people you care the most jst because they care about you too.