All You Need Just A Cup Of Tea

I'm like a ticking bomb,  excessive pressure of emotion; that soon to be exploded; waiting for the detonator to click on me while charging my self  with materials; negative surrounding The abandon, ignorance, craving for validation.  How long should I wait?  God, I just wanna be loved sincerely by everyone. Is it too much to ask for?  - April 2024

Will this be a motivational post that I've ever written? No. I hate motivation.  Why society really needs motivation to swing between chapter to chapter of life? can we just....leave a blank space for some pages? The world is broken anyway.  Hang on, folks!  Oh, seems like it's really good to be back. I've been so trapped between my draft on chillean paradox which I planned to publish this weekend on my medium and last but not least....my personal statement. So, here I am. Waking up at 4 a.m, eating my mars which I bought last January on my Singapore trip, and Moving to my blog. Writting.  Something that excites me somehow.  No. This post will no have a clear plot like usual. I just wanna write everything on my mind, what keeps me up lately, in this blog. But hey! this is the part of the art, isn't it? Sometimes I love abstract and impulsive things. Tend to be there, no meaning. Why everything should have a mean? Do bugs also have an important task in this life?...

Commemorating the tragedy that started on January 1st, 2023, and 2 weeks later.  On love.   God, At the end of 2022, I was hoping that 2023 will be good, but you gave me such a terrible heartbreak in early 2023. Thank you, lesson learned.  I thank you God for giving me such a pure heart of human to my life. Regardless of my ego and selfishness, I should admit that he's the right decision to make but ended up with me being a mess.  So there you go, a long love letter from a feeling that I cannot express directly to him. Stupid me, God, I hope he knew what I feel towards him purely, without the ego and the fear.  Since the day we broke up, I cannot stop thinking, why is it going south? what's gone wrong? I think I'm gonna be okay, but I've never felt such a terrible loss like this cause deep inside...I know that this is something that is fixable but I'm afraid to be a supernumerary person (again).  I remember the moment when we were having a talk in fron...

 Dear Karin,  Today is my birthday and I want to dedicate this special post on my 25th birthday to you. I started my 25th birthday this morning with a fulfilled feeling. Thank God for everything God has given to me and all of the love that I receive from my surroundings.  You know, your wishes are what I've been waiting for the most so please don't ever forget my birthday, okay? well even tho I often misremembered your birthday lol  It such a lovely day but my eyes was burst into tears this morning when I read your letter. There's a lot of things that I want to say to you. Like a lot, mungkin nggak cukup untuk ditulis semua disini. You are someone I would never imagine living without. In so many ways, we are closer than sisters, and tighter than the most loyal thieves. No one knows me as much as you do. That’s why I wanted to do this in writing just to remind you how much you mean to me. We might not be together physically every day, but I hope you know I’m always th...

 I've been questioning love lately. It is something that I've never clearly understood on how I feel, how I think, and how other person's feelings and thoughts will be my responsibility and/or affect me in such uncommon ways. Do the butterflies the right symbol to identify love? Or can we say the un-sparks but loyalty and consistency to the commitment are also forms of love? I feel excited when I am in the mood to chase or chased, but when I got one, intimacy was the feeling that I avoided. That's my biggest fear. Being intimate and having a deep emotional attachment to someone are the stupid fears that I need to deal with.  Cause what the point of having a relationship if I am too afraid of two main factors of it? I used to think I'll have a deeply connected relationship in the future, but the fact that I'm afraid to feel connected is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done.  I often forget how it feels to miss him so badly, how you just wanna hear his v...

You are not afraid of the dark, you are afraid on what's in it.  You are not afraid of heights, you are afraid of failing.  You are not afraid of the people around you, you are afraid of what they might think .  You are not afraid to love, you are afraid of love not coming back.  You are not afraid to try again, you are afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.